Memoriadiamore's Blog

Turning over a new leaf

memoriadiamore — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 15:08:48 +0000

I went to the gym this morning, and feel great. My goal is to loose a few pounds a week. And hopefully by the end of the year I’ll be very close to 100 pound lighter.
I know what you are thinking….that would put me at only 100ish pounds. That is the goal by yhe end of 2010, to be 105 pounds.

Grrr

memoriadiamore — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:17:09 +0000

As you know my life lately has been difficult. Well it’s getting a little worse. We are moving in 5 days, why you ask? Well, due tol the dsability time I have taken, and the bills that have piled up we can not afford our rent. So we must move. Evction will be filed on the 20th, this coming Friday. We just signed a lease to a townhouse that has close to the same square footage for over $400 less a month.

I hope everything goes through and we get to move in on Thursday the 19th. It’s nicer than I expected…plus I’ll live close to a great friend.

I hope this gives us the extra money to pay off debt, and get the cars fixed. Also it would be nice if I could take some lessons too. We will see how it all goes.

change…

memoriadiamore — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:23:17 +0000

When will things be easier? I want my marriage back the way it started….how long will that take? Will everything go back to the way it was? My husband says we have to get a new normal….how do we do that? Will this always be in the back of our minds?

I hope things get better. I want us to be happy. I want to make him happy….do I? Can I? I hope so! I love him terribly!

New Beginnings

memoriadiamore — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:20:08 +0000

Today I filled out an application to work for the state of Texas…cross your fingers! I would love to change jobs. I can’t wait to take this certification course on becoming a Therapeutic Riding Instructor, I love horses!!! I have wanted to work with special needs kids. I volunteered at a therapeutic riding center when I was in high school. It was on of the best summers I ever had. I don’t know how much money I can make…but I don’t really care. I know it will be a 24/7 job working with horses. I really hope that I can work with horses as soon as possible.

Trying

memoriadiamore — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:31:50 +0000

As you know my husband and I have been working on our marriage after this whole ordeal. The first night we slept in different rooms, which was horrid. I had to take medication to sleep. The next night we slept in the same bed, it was a little akward. Yesterday he had band practice and he usually stays out late. I just wanted to know around what time he would be home, but he didn’t answer that text. All he did was tell me I need friends. Anways he came home around 2, and for the first time in a long time he said “I love you” first. I can’t tell you what that meant. It felt like we were gettin somewhere…

Well tonight I am sleeping on the floor in our bedroom, he says things are forced. I am trying so hard. I do not know what else to do. I will keep on trying…

Lost

memoriadiamore — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:44:24 +0000

Well, it has been over a week since this horrific thing took place. You would think everything would start to go back to normal. It has not. I have become a person that neither my husband or I know. I am terribly ashamed of myself.

How does one change?

The Plan

memoriadiamore — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:09:24 +0000

I will eventually have to get over this. I know it will take time…I know that. I’m hoping this will be a tool to help me heal. I am going to start exercising so that I can loose weight and be as healthy as possible. I was not allowed to exercise during the pregnancy. I hope after the exercise that my health is better and able to sustain pregnancy.

On the bright side:

The OB sad in her 20 years of practicing she has never seen a family struck by this twice. Great news. I don’t want to be a carrier for this horrible thing, and have it happen every time we try.

I am going to exercise my ass off when I get the go ahead from the doctor. I was not able to exercise during the pregnancy. I have slowly gained weight since being with my husband. I would like to go ahead and take it off and hope my new healthy body will help the next pregnancy stick to term.

Reasons

memoriadiamore — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 04:32:15 +0000

Let me start by telling you why I am starting this blog:

This weekend has been plain horrible. It started on Friday morning, I went to my OB for an urgent appointment. I was 17 weeks pregnant and something wasn’t right. I had an ultrasound, which showed no fluid around the baby…that is BAD. My baby was going to die. The doctor told me I had a few choices: go to the hospital and be induced or go home and wait to miscarry.

I chose to go to the hospital for induction. The decision was easy, I wanted some kind of control. I was loosing my sweet baby girl. I was medically induced at 7ish pm 10-9-09, and delivered her (still born) at 2:22 pm on 10-10-09. They quickly took her away to clean her up and take all her measurements as if she were a real live baby.

I choose to see her. Most would think she looked like a monster, but I thought she looked like an angel. At 17 weeks she was not fully developed. You could see her tiny rib cage, finger nails, etc. Her skin wasn’t developed so she appeared red, her eyes weren’t formed either. Both those things made her look kind of like an alien, but she will always be my sweet baby girl, Gemma.

She will be buried in a marked grave at the municipal cemetery. There is a service that is held every year for families like us. Those who lose their pregnancies, as they call it.

I apologize if I hurt anyone’s sensibilities but this is my story and why I am starting this blog. To morn, heal and remember. Who knows what will happen or what I will blog about. I will cross that bridge when I get there.